Anonymous asked: How can I get a guy to notice me? I'm in love with Justin Bieber!
Ok, CALM DOWN.
Here’s what you do. Whether you’re a girl or a guy, you gotta save up enough money to move to L.A. Drive, Greyhound bus-it, or walk there in flip flops, whichever. Second, build yourself a treehouse in the trees just outside his home. Make it REALLY cool. That way when he finds you and gets mad at you for being there, he’ll say, “Hey, but nice treehouse,” and you two will become INSTANT friends. Also, make sure it’s at night and your hair and eyes are strategically shimmering in the moon’s light - BOOM! He immediately goes from your friend to your lover.
When you are with Justin, you REALLY gotta like those douchebaggy Nike shoes. In fact, buy 4 pairs of those suckers, but don’t where them. Put them on display in a glass case in your room since he let you move in. Justin will see that when times get even tougher than they are now, you will always support his support of Nike’s wife-beating, ankle shoes. But my dear, what will YOU wear? Heels if you’re short, Armani’s new “Invisible Essence” air shoes if you’re tall (you’ll be barefoot, but at least it’s expensive). Basically, do not be taller or equal to in height to Justin Bieber. Be shorter than him. ALWAYS. Or else he will punch you. If you are a freakish 5’9,” just arrange to get your legs cut-off. Don’t fight it. He’ll pay for it.
Speaking of punching and altercations, you really must enjoy that as well. For you see, as Justin gets older, he needs to act out the things he missed from his teenhood, like- karate and boxing lessons. You can teach him. But don’t do ANYTHING. Just stand there - and take it. If he can hurt his large, black bodyguard with a few swings, it is clear he will come at you 4, 984 times before he reaches 39 years old.
Also, never tell him to pull his pants up or put a shirt on. That’s just permission for him to push you off the next balcony you happen to be standing on. Then it’s “bye, so sorry for you” and onto the next girl. Of course, he’ll hire a hitman to commit such violence. Unless he’s almost 34 and his life is in shambles and has been in and out of jail 13 times for various crimes - then yeah, he’ll just do it himself, and you’ll mistakenly think he’s finally decided to change and was coming in for a romantic hug.
By the way, he’s not going to officially marry you. Did I mention that? Well, I did now. Quite frankly, you drool at his feet and encourage his every move - and that’s commitment enough for you - yeah, just for you.
And on days when you feel you might breakdown and walk out on him, he’ll offer you some weed, beachside, to calm all of your fears, renew your trust in him, and heal your constantly black and blue body. You two will laugh as he tries to drown his baby pet panda 12 feet in front of you in broad daylight with 37 paparazzi watching. In your altered state you don’t try to stop him, but you know deep down, more tough times are ahead so you lean back and enjoy this awkwardly serene moment.
You are, afterall, Justin’s babe(y).
xo
